Inching Away From the Plateau

On the weekend i found myself at the big girl store looking for clothes. I'm reticent to buy clothes these days, because i have lots of loose 3x/size 24 clothes and yet, whenever i go to buy new stuff, the smaller sizes are so embarrasingly small, i feel silly for even bringing them into the fitting room. This place had spring coats on sale, and of course by the time i get there there's a lousy selection of both styles and sizes. I found a nice black business coat with some cool white stiching on the collar, but no there were no 24s left. There was a 22 and i decided to try it on and risk the embarrasment. Lo and behold it fit. I could even do the buttons up, and it didn't "pull at the rear" as my mother would say. Once i was standing in the three way mirror, with this snappy coat on, all buttoned up i didn't want to take it off. It was a size smaller than the size i've been buying for the past 10 years (there was an 8 months blip in there when i steadily decresed to a 20, but then i was up to a 24/26 within another 6 months).

With the 22 coat fitting, my courage was buoyed and i even tried on some 2x workout pants, and they looked great. Then i decided to push my luck thinking there would be no way i would be three times lucky, and i tried on a hoodie in a 2x. It fit! Score again. Needless to say i ended up spending $300, because i was just so damn ecstatic to be buying a smaller size. Of course, i also bought 2 t-shirts that were a 3x, but i don't like my t-shirts tight, and they fit in the shoulders, so i didn't feel too bad about that.

It's amazing how excited i can get by little things like dropping a size, but really i'm more excited about what this represents. I have been suffering through a very long plateau that was first caused by my whacked out metabolism, but was then continued because i was depressed that i was doing all the right eating and exercise things and not losing, and i was eating too much crap (high calorie, low nutrition food). I really feel like i was getting to a place where i was going to give up and head back to the old way of eating. I think really the only thing i kept up without fail was the exercise. I stayed pretty regular, 4-5 days a week of cardio, 2 days of weights. This may have just been my saving grace.

There's also the OA (Overeaters Anonymous) element to my foodplan, which i have to acknowledge had *something to do with my sticking to it. Whether i'm eating good food or bad food, i'm only eating three meals a day with two optional snacks (which is my defined abstinence). Having that backstop keeps from spontaneously deciding that i can eat one of those free leftover sandwiches in the boardroom, or stop for a snack because i'm hungry and it's big mac tuesday. I've continued my 2-3 meetings a week, and daily contact with other complusive overeaters who have a desire to stop. I find that support with accountability (in that order) helps me tremendously.

So, i'm not really sure if i'm going to start losing again, but i'm feeling pretty good today. The fact that i know my efforts are helping me get smaller and healthier, even if only the slightest of measurable ways, is enough for me to stay the course. I also know that feeling this good, is leading me to make good choices, which will only help even more. I want this feeling of renewed optimism to last with me as long as possible.

Not Good but Not Bad

So I got back on the scales this morning and i was 274. This represents about a four pound gain since January. Not bad, but considering i didn't have a kitchen in which to cook healthy food, it could have been much worse. I've seen myself gain more than that in a bad week, so 4 pounds? I'll take it and be grateful. For those who want the 'bigger picture' my starting weight was 338. So, i'm still down 64 pounds. (If i was more clever i'd put my stats in one of those side-bar thingys, but alas, i am not...:)

Beth, over at Act Boldly dot com, has got me thinking about Fat Acceptance, Fat Phobia and my true motivation for being in the healthy weight range. There was absolutely a time in my life when i wanted to be thin, so that i could conform to society's notion of beautiful, and attract a mate. Given that 6 years ago I met the mate of my dreams, that's no longer it. Also, i matured, did a degree in women's studies, and grew to care a lot less about what other people thought of me.

The prime motivator of my current attempt to reduce my weight is the Type 2 diabetes diagnosis i got in September of '04. The thought that i might die earlier than expected, and possibly suffer blindness or amputation along the way is scary. Of course having a doctor say (while actually poking one of my fat rolls) "that is going to shorten your life by 20 years!" was temporarily more de-motivating than motivating. Shame will send me headfirst into food every time.

Another motivation to lose weight is that i can travel more comfortably. I fit in the tight airlines seats (which was tested on a business trip 2 weeks ago), and can fasten the safety belt, but the looks of the passengers who are fearful i might have to sit next to them is difficult. Also, things are so small in Europe and Asia and some of the places i want to go to, and i know that i won't enjoy myself if i am constantly at odds with physical space issues (let alone being treated rudely...thanks i can stay at home and be treated rudely by strangers here for much less).

Then there's exercise, which i've actually learned to enjoy. It only took me a year of practice, but then i'm getting good at doing all kinds of things i am disinclined to do... I think it would be really great if it was a little easier for me to exercise, and i'm finding the more weight i lose, the easier it gets. I don't think it's ever going to be easy, but i know i'd be able to do more yoga poses if i didn't have to bend over my large stomach. Cycling would be easier if each rotation didn't create this chain reaction whereby my legs lift my large aforementioned belly, causing me to shake and bounce embarrasingly as i rev the rpms. My feet might not get as numb on the treadmill and crosstrainer after more than 30 minutes....you get the picture.

Anyway, those are some of *my* reasons for wanting to lose weight. I'm never going to be thin, i'm just not built like that, but i would feel more self-actualized without all of this extra weight. I also know that i came to be obese by feeding my feelings rather than working through what was the real issue. I can trace it back to a couple of traumatic events, and releasing the extra weight, for me, would be like being able to heal or at least move beyond the pain of those events.

I know that getting to that goal will require me to continue to do things that are just not comfortable, like holding myself accountable for my weight, continuing to exercise in an environment where i feel self-conscious, and eating food that is good for me (not necessarily the food i *want*.

To Weigh Or Not To Weigh

Back in January i decided to 'drop the scale' and stop weighing because it had become too frustrating to be working as hard as i am to eat healthy (with the ultimate aim of reduction) and exercise regularly and not see any downward movement in the scale. I was finding the plateau de-motivating (to say the least) and on friday mornings when i'd jump on that scale only to see it say the same number, i'd find myself thinking well maybe i'll just have a 'free day', in which i stick to my three meals, two snacks foodplan, but not as closely restrict my food choices. Instead of a chicken breast and salad for lunch, it might be a burger and salad for lunch. It certainly took the pressure off, and my exercise routine hasn't wavered one bit. My food, however, had gotten a little messy. I guess that's to be expected when one doesn't have a functional kitchen and is eating about 50% of their meals out, but nonetheless the reno is over and it's time to get back to normal healthy eating. I've been back on the veggie wagon happily for the last two weeks, and for me, while i've cleaned up the foodplan, the weighing/not weighing, and more improtantly the reasons why i'm not weighing, have been bothering me.

There is an accountability that comes with weighing every week, that i am starting to miss. I have been wondering how much weight i've actually gained in the past 6 weeks, while i've been allowing myself higher calorie options. I think i've succeeded in breaking through my plateau, but unfortunately i think the movement in the scale will be upward, not downward. Actually, i'm sure of it, the only question is how much damage have i done?

So, i am going to weigh myself tomorrow and face the music. I will check in here about the results, good, bad or ugly (more accountability = good). I have also been inspired by Nicole over at AFW, who seems to be in a similar place to mine. I relate a lot to the stressful circumstances in her life, and though mine are different I still feel they have been a factor in my not being able to focus on my health recovery plan. I am not looking for excuses here, but i feel like it's not possible to put the focus of one's time and energy in too many different places. In the face of the usual stresses of work, making time for my partner and myself to relax, getting to the gym, and eating healthily while my kitchen was under construction something had to go, and for me, it was the focus on (and ability to prepare) healthy meals. I'm a little nervous, but I also feel good that i'm coming out of hiding on this, which is what it feels like i have been doing.

How Much Is Too Much?

Since the summer, i've been trying to get to the gym 5 days a week. My gym is a block away from work, and i'm in the routine now of commuting downtown in my workout clothes, working out and then showering and getting ready for work at the gym. Some days are easier than others and there have been rare occasions that i have only made it four times, but mostly i'm consistent.

This is the most committed i have ever been to an exercise program, and the most consistently i have worked out ever. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays i do between 35 and 45 minutes of cardio on the cross-trainer (eliptical thingy). On Tuesdays and Thursdays i do 30 minutes on the bike and then strength training. I think this program in inherently reasonable. I've read in a number of places that really i should be doing 45-60 minutes of cardio, but that is too much for *me*. I do find it hard to go every weekday, but i feel like it's important for me on a number of levels.

First, i have completely shagged up my metabolism with periods of extreme restriction followed by periods of extreme over-eating. As a result, i have a very slow metabolism and it is extremely difficult for me to lose weight, and almost impossible through diet alone.

Secondly, i have the recent-ish diagnosis of diabetes (Type 2). While i feel as healthy/unhealthy as i ever did, i am pretty afraid of some of the consequences for diabetics who don't take care of themselves, particularly amputation. This one scares me enough to get to the gym and rev both my metabolism and more importantly my circulation.

Thirdly, it's easier for me to do something all the time, than sometimes. When i only go a couple of times a week i like the extra sleep i get so much, that usually i end up struggling to get there at all.

What really spurred on the thoughts about this were some thoughts that have been expressed to me lately that i am over-exercising, perhaps even *complusively*. To me, this is almost laughable, because i know what a struggle it has been to get to this place of consistency, and i would love any excuse to stop. Nonetheless, i am still at least 100 pounds overweight and diabetic so really i think i need to be there regularly.

This week i'm going to take thursday off and try to get some activity in on the weekend, and see how that feels. I think what i'm doing still falls well within the sensible range, but i respect the folks who think i may be over-doing it, so i want to at least consider their view. But i am thinking about how much is too much, as it relates to both food and exercise. Too much food is what got me here, and i am optimistic that enough exercise can get me back to healthy.