Not Giving Up

Things have been really tough for me lately- lots of high and lows in my life and i just don't deal well with those. The high: my girlfriend and I are engaged and are going to get married next year. The low: my family (mom, dad, brother) is not happy for us, has not congratulated us and is actually ignoring the whole thing. To say this is hurtful is an understatement. It hurts so much, it almost feels physical. And how have i escaped from painful feelings for the past 20 years? I eat and eat and eat. As a result of these recent events, I'm not bingeing, but my craving for sugar has reached new heights. I don't know why i continue to believe that sugar can make everything better, but goddess knows i keep reaching for it.

My will to work out continues to wane, but i'm still dragging myself through the motions. Some days are half-hearted, some are as good as ever. My weight has stayed the same, but if i don't knock it off with the sugar it will begin to rise. This i know for sure.

I also feel destined to be one of the 95% (or whatever the *actual* statistic is) of people who don't stay on a diet long enough to get to their goal weight. I'm trying to remain optimistic, i just see my resolve waning. I've been on this plan for two years now. I've lost 60 pounds, and my health is improved but 270 pounds isn't a healthy weight by anyone's standard. I see others achieving fantastic results (check out http://www.pastaqueen.com/halfofme/index.html WOW!!!), and doing it on a steady timeline. I'm inspired by the evidence that it is possible, and deflated by the fact that i'm a stop/start kind of person. It would be nice if writing about this here could spur me into action and recommittment. Maybe it will, maybe it won't, but i'm not giving up. I know where giving up would lead me- right back into uncontrollable eating and misery. So, i guess i'm just going to accept where i am today and move forward.

Gentle Slope of Indeterminate Trajectory

I am in trouble.

My foodplan is going well, and i'm still eating more veggies than seems humanly possible, a little fruit, limiting the carbs to small portions of the good stuff, and staying away from the crap i love so well (anything sugar or fat based). I'm also continuing to get to the gym, although for the past two weeks it's only been four weekdays, instead of five. Still seems like enough that a 270 pound woman should be losing weight, right? Well, given that if you are reading this you are 'my kind of people' you know where this is headed...

On average i'm still having one or two "treats" a week. Last week it was an ice cream cone and small order of french fries, this week it was a donut and a handful of jube jubes. Not enough to feel de-railed or happily self-indulgent, but just enough to keep the weight from moving anywhere. I've actually been hovering around 270 since before christmas, so it's really starting to bug me, and by 'bug' i mean frustrate me to the point where i want to give up (i'm not there yet, but i can see it on the horizon).

The exercise has not only reduced in frequency, but i am losing my drive to push myself. I have so much interalized whining going on, i am starting to feel like i am babysitting. Yikes. Instead of doing an intense 45 minutes, i'm doing a 'just get through it' 30 minutes. I'm still weight training twice a week, but it's gotten that i so loathe it, i'm not even doing a proper 30 minutes of cardio first. Today it was a paltry 20 minutes, and if i had given in to the whiny child within, it would have been 10. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm also noticing lots of little aches and pains and creaks, which i also use as justification for not exercising. This morning the internal monologue went something like this:

"See? You're going to start to develop joint problems because you're too fat to be exercising this much. You should have lost more weight by now. Maybe you should go on some kind of protein shake fast or something. Maybe you need to take a break from the gym until you lose some more weight."

That last one's the kicker. It's like saying to myself that i should lose weight before i go on a diet... And there really are solutions to this- one of which being that i could incorporate swimming into the workout week, which won't hurt my joints at all. And if i want to lose weight i don't need to go on a protein shake fast. I need to consider further reducing my carbs and cut out the treats.

It's simple, but it's not easy...you know?