Not Good but Not Bad

So I got back on the scales this morning and i was 274. This represents about a four pound gain since January. Not bad, but considering i didn't have a kitchen in which to cook healthy food, it could have been much worse. I've seen myself gain more than that in a bad week, so 4 pounds? I'll take it and be grateful. For those who want the 'bigger picture' my starting weight was 338. So, i'm still down 64 pounds. (If i was more clever i'd put my stats in one of those side-bar thingys, but alas, i am not...:)

Beth, over at Act Boldly dot com, has got me thinking about Fat Acceptance, Fat Phobia and my true motivation for being in the healthy weight range. There was absolutely a time in my life when i wanted to be thin, so that i could conform to society's notion of beautiful, and attract a mate. Given that 6 years ago I met the mate of my dreams, that's no longer it. Also, i matured, did a degree in women's studies, and grew to care a lot less about what other people thought of me.

The prime motivator of my current attempt to reduce my weight is the Type 2 diabetes diagnosis i got in September of '04. The thought that i might die earlier than expected, and possibly suffer blindness or amputation along the way is scary. Of course having a doctor say (while actually poking one of my fat rolls) "that is going to shorten your life by 20 years!" was temporarily more de-motivating than motivating. Shame will send me headfirst into food every time.

Another motivation to lose weight is that i can travel more comfortably. I fit in the tight airlines seats (which was tested on a business trip 2 weeks ago), and can fasten the safety belt, but the looks of the passengers who are fearful i might have to sit next to them is difficult. Also, things are so small in Europe and Asia and some of the places i want to go to, and i know that i won't enjoy myself if i am constantly at odds with physical space issues (let alone being treated rudely...thanks i can stay at home and be treated rudely by strangers here for much less).

Then there's exercise, which i've actually learned to enjoy. It only took me a year of practice, but then i'm getting good at doing all kinds of things i am disinclined to do... I think it would be really great if it was a little easier for me to exercise, and i'm finding the more weight i lose, the easier it gets. I don't think it's ever going to be easy, but i know i'd be able to do more yoga poses if i didn't have to bend over my large stomach. Cycling would be easier if each rotation didn't create this chain reaction whereby my legs lift my large aforementioned belly, causing me to shake and bounce embarrasingly as i rev the rpms. My feet might not get as numb on the treadmill and crosstrainer after more than 30 minutes....you get the picture.

Anyway, those are some of *my* reasons for wanting to lose weight. I'm never going to be thin, i'm just not built like that, but i would feel more self-actualized without all of this extra weight. I also know that i came to be obese by feeding my feelings rather than working through what was the real issue. I can trace it back to a couple of traumatic events, and releasing the extra weight, for me, would be like being able to heal or at least move beyond the pain of those events.

I know that getting to that goal will require me to continue to do things that are just not comfortable, like holding myself accountable for my weight, continuing to exercise in an environment where i feel self-conscious, and eating food that is good for me (not necessarily the food i *want*.