Welcome to Thubby
I hate that i'm posting this on New Year's Day. It all smacks too much of a "resolution", when the truth of the thing is that i've been resolved to the kinds of issues i want to talk about here for a long time now. I've also wanted to start writing this blog for some time, so i'm happy to actually have had a moment to do so.
And what about me, you ask? I'm 33 and have struggled with my weight since i hit puberty (although as many family stories attest, i have loved to eat and done so with reckless abandon since i was able to reach the countertop). I weighed 165 at 14, and thought i was the fattest pig in the pen. I reached the dreaded 200 at around 17 and 250 when i entered university. Grad school saw me hit 300 and it's been up and down ever since. My highest weight was 338, and currently i'm hovering between 265 and 270.
When folks ask me what i'm doing to lose weight, i don't really have the kind of answer they're looking for. I attend OA, so really i'm trying to be 'abstinent' from bingeing and the chronically damaging eating behaviours i've engaged in for over a decade. I know it's not for everyone, but for me the idea of dieting is in itself completely de-motivating. My eating plan? As healthy as i possibly can, without beating myself up. 3 meals, 2 optional snacks, trying to minimize white carbs and maximize whole grains, fruits and veggies.
I also worked through some pretty big anxiety to join a gym, and have now been a proud member of the YMCA since March '04. I've been active member since May '05. I've always been the biggest person there, though lately i've seen someone i *think* is larger (i have that fat-girl poor self awareness and am not really sure how fat i am or how i measure up- though who's comparing, anyway?). At any rate, i work out between 4-5 times a week doing cardio and strength training.
It feels like it's taking forever to lose weight and i do think i lose more slowly than the average person. I don't think that really matters, but on days when i am feeling de-motivated it comes up. I'm also a type-2 diabetic and live with the guilt that it didn't have to come to this if i had gotten more serious about losing this weight a decade ago. But a lot of shit happened in that last decade, things that made me turn to food for comfort...a pasttime i know i'm not alone in. In the end, the speed with which my body loses weight is beyond my control- i hate that, but it's true. All i can do each day is exercise, eat right and stay committed.
I'm also doing some spiritual work, though nothing structured or through any church or religion (that doesn't work for me; see rebellious reference above). There must be some kind of reason or explanation for why i ate myself into a stupor and up to such a circus-freakishly large weight. I heard someone say once once that there are holes in you soul that no matter how hard you try you can't fix. Maybe that's true, but i hope to at the very least be able to work around those holes instead of trying to fill them up with food.
And what about me, you ask? I'm 33 and have struggled with my weight since i hit puberty (although as many family stories attest, i have loved to eat and done so with reckless abandon since i was able to reach the countertop). I weighed 165 at 14, and thought i was the fattest pig in the pen. I reached the dreaded 200 at around 17 and 250 when i entered university. Grad school saw me hit 300 and it's been up and down ever since. My highest weight was 338, and currently i'm hovering between 265 and 270.
When folks ask me what i'm doing to lose weight, i don't really have the kind of answer they're looking for. I attend OA, so really i'm trying to be 'abstinent' from bingeing and the chronically damaging eating behaviours i've engaged in for over a decade. I know it's not for everyone, but for me the idea of dieting is in itself completely de-motivating. My eating plan? As healthy as i possibly can, without beating myself up. 3 meals, 2 optional snacks, trying to minimize white carbs and maximize whole grains, fruits and veggies.
I also worked through some pretty big anxiety to join a gym, and have now been a proud member of the YMCA since March '04. I've been active member since May '05. I've always been the biggest person there, though lately i've seen someone i *think* is larger (i have that fat-girl poor self awareness and am not really sure how fat i am or how i measure up- though who's comparing, anyway?). At any rate, i work out between 4-5 times a week doing cardio and strength training.
It feels like it's taking forever to lose weight and i do think i lose more slowly than the average person. I don't think that really matters, but on days when i am feeling de-motivated it comes up. I'm also a type-2 diabetic and live with the guilt that it didn't have to come to this if i had gotten more serious about losing this weight a decade ago. But a lot of shit happened in that last decade, things that made me turn to food for comfort...a pasttime i know i'm not alone in. In the end, the speed with which my body loses weight is beyond my control- i hate that, but it's true. All i can do each day is exercise, eat right and stay committed.
I'm also doing some spiritual work, though nothing structured or through any church or religion (that doesn't work for me; see rebellious reference above). There must be some kind of reason or explanation for why i ate myself into a stupor and up to such a circus-freakishly large weight. I heard someone say once once that there are holes in you soul that no matter how hard you try you can't fix. Maybe that's true, but i hope to at the very least be able to work around those holes instead of trying to fill them up with food.
posted by Saffy @ 7:12 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home