Deja Vu

One of the things i felt uncomfortable about over the holidays was about my family noticing my weight loss. My mom is thrilled that i've dropped a few sizes, although she doesn't say so. She waits until i leave the room and then tells my partner how good i'm looking. I want her to notice and give me kudos and back pats and 'atta girl's, but it wasn't happening. Then on the 26th, we were at my Aunt and Uncles house for more family fun and i was wearing the size 22 jeans she gave me for christmas as a "goal you can shrink into". She made a big deal about it in front of my cousins and as i could feel the blood rushing to my face in embarrasment, a lightbulb went off.

I'm embarrassed that i'm losing weight.

Sounds weird, but it's absolutely true. I find it humiliating that here i am, 33, making a new attempt at weight loss after trying every year or two to make a new start. It's embarrassing that i'm still at it and even though i used to weigh 338 (although no one in my family believes that is possible) i still weigh 270 pounds. That's a lot of thubby, my friends!

I don't know if this embarrasment will lift as i continue on and prove to them (and to myself) that i can actually get to a normal weight. But there's this nagging fact that i can't get over in my head: The best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour. Argh. If that holds true, and if that's what my family's thinking then they can be forgiven a little scepticism...

Nonetheless, lots of things are different this time. I have a workout routine. I have a built in accountability and support network and i have a resolve that it doesn't matter how long it takes, i'm going to continue this fight until i am more thinny than thubby. Mark my words (and remind me of them, if necessary).