Persistence Rocks

Today's weight: 248

Wow. Long time no post. I was determined not to until i had broken through the plateau of the 250s. I'm frustrated that it has taken this long, but not surprised. I don't lose weight at a normal rate. Of course, there was a 3 pound backslide at christmas, and then there were the three weeks in February that i worked out 5-6 days a week, AND ate between 1200 and 1500 calories a day and my weight didn't budge an ounce. Yeah, that sucked. But i'm so over the sound of my own whingeing that i was determined to just stay persistent, and keep on track, no matter how little i lost.

The thing for me is that it's almost like the universe is daring me to give up and go back to being the old binge eating couch potato. While i miss expending minimal calories, while ingesting obscene amounts of food, i don't miss the anxiety that for me came with weighing well over 300 pounds. I couldn't fit in many public seats, i couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without breaking a sweat and i couldn't imagine ever breaking the cycle. I figure, now that i have broken it, i can make a choice to stick with the healthy living or i can choose death, because certainly that's what i was doing to myself- slow suicide.

So, i finally broke the 250s. I'll try not to wait until i hit the 240s to post again, because god knows how long that will take.

Timelines and Other Pies in the Sky

I was re-reading my old posts to figure out what i've weighed and when, because i can't really figure out how long it's taken me to get to where i am today: 257.

I shouldn't be surprised...i've long had a problem with accountability and being honest about numbers, because when they go up i feel ashamed and ultimately feel like it would be better if i hadn't said anything at all. Not so convenient, however, when one is trying to track back.

According to what i've written here, i never really went about 270, when the reality is that by the end of the summer i was up around 287, just not happy enough to write a post about it.

And timelines are tricky things...on one hand it's good to have a weightloss goal with a timeline attached, but for me, i know it just doesn't work that way. If i put too much pressure on myself, i ultimately can't stand the pressure and rebel (rebel=binge). I know that this process is lifelong, because if i'm not 'on plan' my weight goes up. It's been like that since i was 16, so i don't expect that to change anytime soon.

Don't get me wrong, i've got a wedding coming up in september that i'd love to be 200 pounds for. When i do the math i'd have to lose about 8 pounds a month or 2 pounds a week. However, i KNOW my body doesn't lose weight at a normal rate and for me to be guaranteed to lose that weight, i'd have to employ a highly reduced caloric intake approach. Plus it will make it difficult with my dress. What size do i buy? One that fits me now, one that assumes weight loss? One that assumes 200#? A style that can be let in or out as required? Seriously, i have no idea...

Anyway, the wedding makes it more pressure than ever, and all i can do with that is acknowledge that the pressure is there and do the best i can, every moment of every day.

Breakthrough

It's been a while since i've posted, and while usually that means that i haven't been doing well and don't want to talk about it, this time that is not the case.

In September i became aware of all of the negative energy in my life that was hampering my weight loss by impeding my ability to stick to my food plan. Well actually, that makes it sound easier than it was. Basically, i got fed up with putting everyone else's feelings before my own and decided to take a stand. So i did. And it felt good. Then i got a therapist and started talking to him about my feelings. And that felt good. And then he asked me this great question about whether i treat myself better or worse during times of conflict with others, and of course the answer was worse (much much worse).

So that turned into me consciously doing something nice for myself every day. I started viewing going to the gym or an OA meeting as somthing i did FOR myself instead of TO myself. I began buying myself flowers to keep on my desk at work. And somewhere along the way, i looked at what i was eating and knew i needed to decrease the portion size. It wasn't a big dramatic analysis, assessment and overhaul, it was all just really simple. I just needed the courage to eat less, and live through periods of actual hunger. And you know what? It hasn't killed me. I don't like feeling hungry. In some strange way it makes me worried to feel actual hunger, but i'm learning to just work my way through that. I'm eating at least 1200 calories a day, so i know i'm not starving myself.

Anyways, i've lost about 15 pounds and am down to the 260s, something i haven't seen for a long time. And really, the change came about because of changes i made to my life. I would never have made the realization about my portions being too big without having the clarity that came from taking care of myself. For me, that's a huge shift.

Back to School

There's something about September that feels like getting one's nose back to the grindstone. Given that i have no intention to get my PhD, i'm not going back to school, but i do feel like summer's over and it's time to get back to work.

The good news is that i haven't completely blown it and buried myself in a pile of binge foods. I had a great summer, with some great time spent at the cottage, in the lake and in the woods of Michigan. There's something very invigorating about spending time outdoors. I got lots of exercise and, without sounding too flaky, spiritual renewal. While my weight didn't climb, neither did it drop and i'm feeling enough strength and motivation to start working on that again.

The thing is that i've been lazy. I haven't wanted to count every calorie, carb and fat gram and the consequence of that is slippage. I can lie to myself as much as the next girl, and when i'm not tracking all that stuff it usually mean that my meals are getting sloppy (big, fatty, carby, whatever...).

So here, i re-commit to myself.
1. I'm going to step up my workouts. 4-5 per week, and no more of this 30 minutes of cardio and then leave quickly.
2. I will track my food daily on FitDay.
3. I will be optimistic about my chances of success

Funny thing is it's probably number three that will be the hardest of those. It's so hard to hope. I let myself down more than anyone, so it's hard to summon the strength and optimism to have hope that i can achieve my goals. The first step, is writing it down (check). The second is committing to it (check) and the third is practicing. Here i go...

Not Giving Up

Things have been really tough for me lately- lots of high and lows in my life and i just don't deal well with those. The high: my girlfriend and I are engaged and are going to get married next year. The low: my family (mom, dad, brother) is not happy for us, has not congratulated us and is actually ignoring the whole thing. To say this is hurtful is an understatement. It hurts so much, it almost feels physical. And how have i escaped from painful feelings for the past 20 years? I eat and eat and eat. As a result of these recent events, I'm not bingeing, but my craving for sugar has reached new heights. I don't know why i continue to believe that sugar can make everything better, but goddess knows i keep reaching for it.

My will to work out continues to wane, but i'm still dragging myself through the motions. Some days are half-hearted, some are as good as ever. My weight has stayed the same, but if i don't knock it off with the sugar it will begin to rise. This i know for sure.

I also feel destined to be one of the 95% (or whatever the *actual* statistic is) of people who don't stay on a diet long enough to get to their goal weight. I'm trying to remain optimistic, i just see my resolve waning. I've been on this plan for two years now. I've lost 60 pounds, and my health is improved but 270 pounds isn't a healthy weight by anyone's standard. I see others achieving fantastic results (check out http://www.pastaqueen.com/halfofme/index.html WOW!!!), and doing it on a steady timeline. I'm inspired by the evidence that it is possible, and deflated by the fact that i'm a stop/start kind of person. It would be nice if writing about this here could spur me into action and recommittment. Maybe it will, maybe it won't, but i'm not giving up. I know where giving up would lead me- right back into uncontrollable eating and misery. So, i guess i'm just going to accept where i am today and move forward.

Gentle Slope of Indeterminate Trajectory

I am in trouble.

My foodplan is going well, and i'm still eating more veggies than seems humanly possible, a little fruit, limiting the carbs to small portions of the good stuff, and staying away from the crap i love so well (anything sugar or fat based). I'm also continuing to get to the gym, although for the past two weeks it's only been four weekdays, instead of five. Still seems like enough that a 270 pound woman should be losing weight, right? Well, given that if you are reading this you are 'my kind of people' you know where this is headed...

On average i'm still having one or two "treats" a week. Last week it was an ice cream cone and small order of french fries, this week it was a donut and a handful of jube jubes. Not enough to feel de-railed or happily self-indulgent, but just enough to keep the weight from moving anywhere. I've actually been hovering around 270 since before christmas, so it's really starting to bug me, and by 'bug' i mean frustrate me to the point where i want to give up (i'm not there yet, but i can see it on the horizon).

The exercise has not only reduced in frequency, but i am losing my drive to push myself. I have so much interalized whining going on, i am starting to feel like i am babysitting. Yikes. Instead of doing an intense 45 minutes, i'm doing a 'just get through it' 30 minutes. I'm still weight training twice a week, but it's gotten that i so loathe it, i'm not even doing a proper 30 minutes of cardio first. Today it was a paltry 20 minutes, and if i had given in to the whiny child within, it would have been 10. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm also noticing lots of little aches and pains and creaks, which i also use as justification for not exercising. This morning the internal monologue went something like this:

"See? You're going to start to develop joint problems because you're too fat to be exercising this much. You should have lost more weight by now. Maybe you should go on some kind of protein shake fast or something. Maybe you need to take a break from the gym until you lose some more weight."

That last one's the kicker. It's like saying to myself that i should lose weight before i go on a diet... And there really are solutions to this- one of which being that i could incorporate swimming into the workout week, which won't hurt my joints at all. And if i want to lose weight i don't need to go on a protein shake fast. I need to consider further reducing my carbs and cut out the treats.

It's simple, but it's not easy...you know?

Hungry

Life has been busy lately, and i have been eating out way too much. Nothing messes with my foodplan like eating out. Yikes. I find it hard to get enough veggies in, unless i order a meal-size salad. But then i get hungry, and feel a little ripped off. Also, i would never buy white flour bread or pasta, but when they serve it up to me in a restaurant, i happily devour it. Have i learned nothing?

I'm staying on track, sort of, by continuing to get to the gym and getting right back on the foodplan when i eat something i feel like i shouldn't, but it's a downhill snowball, i tell you. I eat a piece of celebratory cake for my partner's birthday, and then i want ice cream. The next day i find myself trying to work a chocolate bar into the foodplan. I'm not ready to abstain completely from sugar (as many OAs do) but the fact that i try to keep it reasonable, while still being a self-declared food addict means there's a lot of internalized negotiation. Should i, shouldn't i, how much etc etc etc...It's utterly crazymaking.

I've also noticed that since losing the four pounds i gained in the first couple of months this year, i have this "i've been good and deserve a little reward" attitude going on. That's the attitude that will have me back up over the 300# mark in a heartbeat, if i'm not careful. By way of this post, i'm reminding myself that my priority is three healthy, moderate meals and two optional snack per day. Chocolate donuts cannot be part of the regular foodplan of someone who wants to reach a more healthy body weight. My other key priority is the regulation of a healthy blood sugar level, and that's tough to do while partaking of white flour/sugary foods.