thubby

Persistence Rocks

2007-03-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

Today's weight: 248

Wow. Long time no post. I was determined not to until i had broken through the plateau of the 250s. I'm frustrated that it has taken this long, but not surprised. I don't lose weight at a normal rate. Of course, there was a 3 pound backslide at christmas, and then there were the three weeks in February that i worked out 5-6 days a week, AND ate between 1200 and 1500 calories a day and my weight didn't budge an ounce. Yeah, that sucked. But i'm so over the sound of my own whingeing that i was determined to just stay persistent, and keep on track, no matter how little i lost.

The thing for me is that it's almost like the universe is daring me to give up and go back to being the old binge eating couch potato. While i miss expending minimal calories, while ingesting obscene amounts of food, i don't miss the anxiety that for me came with weighing well over 300 pounds. I couldn't fit in many public seats, i couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without breaking a sweat and i couldn't imagine ever breaking the cycle. I figure, now that i have broken it, i can make a choice to stick with the healthy living or i can choose death, because certainly that's what i was doing to myself- slow suicide.

So, i finally broke the 250s. I'll try not to wait until i hit the 240s to post again, because god knows how long that will take.

Timelines and Other Pies in the Sky

2006-12-14T08:21:00.000-08:00

I was re-reading my old posts to figure out what i've weighed and when, because i can't really figure out how long it's taken me to get to where i am today: 257.

I shouldn't be surprised...i've long had a problem with accountability and being honest about numbers, because when they go up i feel ashamed and ultimately feel like it would be better if i hadn't said anything at all. Not so convenient, however, when one is trying to track back.

According to what i've written here, i never really went about 270, when the reality is that by the end of the summer i was up around 287, just not happy enough to write a post about it.

And timelines are tricky things...on one hand it's good to have a weightloss goal with a timeline attached, but for me, i know it just doesn't work that way. If i put too much pressure on myself, i ultimately can't stand the pressure and rebel (rebel=binge). I know that this process is lifelong, because if i'm not 'on plan' my weight goes up. It's been like that since i was 16, so i don't expect that to change anytime soon.

Don't get me wrong, i've got a wedding coming up in september that i'd love to be 200 pounds for. When i do the math i'd have to lose about 8 pounds a month or 2 pounds a week. However, i KNOW my body doesn't lose weight at a normal rate and for me to be guaranteed to lose that weight, i'd have to employ a highly reduced caloric intake approach. Plus it will make it difficult with my dress. What size do i buy? One that fits me now, one that assumes weight loss? One that assumes 200#? A style that can be let in or out as required? Seriously, i have no idea...

Anyway, the wedding makes it more pressure than ever, and all i can do with that is acknowledge that the pressure is there and do the best i can, every moment of every day.

Breakthrough

2006-10-24T06:08:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since i've posted, and while usually that means that i haven't been doing well and don't want to talk about it, this time that is not the case.

In September i became aware of all of the negative energy in my life that was hampering my weight loss by impeding my ability to stick to my food plan. Well actually, that makes it sound easier than it was. Basically, i got fed up with putting everyone else's feelings before my own and decided to take a stand. So i did. And it felt good. Then i got a therapist and started talking to him about my feelings. And that felt good. And then he asked me this great question about whether i treat myself better or worse during times of conflict with others, and of course the answer was worse (much much worse).

So that turned into me consciously doing something nice for myself every day. I started viewing going to the gym or an OA meeting as somthing i did FOR myself instead of TO myself. I began buying myself flowers to keep on my desk at work. And somewhere along the way, i looked at what i was eating and knew i needed to decrease the portion size. It wasn't a big dramatic analysis, assessment and overhaul, it was all just really simple. I just needed the courage to eat less, and live through periods of actual hunger. And you know what? It hasn't killed me. I don't like feeling hungry. In some strange way it makes me worried to feel actual hunger, but i'm learning to just work my way through that. I'm eating at least 1200 calories a day, so i know i'm not starving myself.

Anyways, i've lost about 15 pounds and am down to the 260s, something i haven't seen for a long time. And really, the change came about because of changes i made to my life. I would never have made the realization about my portions being too big without having the clarity that came from taking care of myself. For me, that's a huge shift.

Back to School

2006-09-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

There's something about September that feels like getting one's nose back to the grindstone. Given that i have no intention to get my PhD, i'm not going back to school, but i do feel like summer's over and it's time to get back to work.

The good news is that i haven't completely blown it and buried myself in a pile of binge foods. I had a great summer, with some great time spent at the cottage, in the lake and in the woods of Michigan. There's something very invigorating about spending time outdoors. I got lots of exercise and, without sounding too flaky, spiritual renewal. While my weight didn't climb, neither did it drop and i'm feeling enough strength and motivation to start working on that again.

The thing is that i've been lazy. I haven't wanted to count every calorie, carb and fat gram and the consequence of that is slippage. I can lie to myself as much as the next girl, and when i'm not tracking all that stuff it usually mean that my meals are getting sloppy (big, fatty, carby, whatever...).

So here, i re-commit to myself.
1. I'm going to step up my workouts. 4-5 per week, and no more of this 30 minutes of cardio and then leave quickly.
2. I will track my food daily on FitDay.
3. I will be optimistic about my chances of success

Funny thing is it's probably number three that will be the hardest of those. It's so hard to hope. I let myself down more than anyone, so it's hard to summon the strength and optimism to have hope that i can achieve my goals. The first step, is writing it down (check). The second is committing to it (check) and the third is practicing. Here i go...

Not Giving Up

2006-05-29T06:50:00.000-07:00

Things have been really tough for me lately- lots of high and lows in my life and i just don't deal well with those. The high: my girlfriend and I are engaged and are going to get married next year. The low: my family (mom, dad, brother) is not happy for us, has not congratulated us and is actually ignoring the whole thing. To say this is hurtful is an understatement. It hurts so much, it almost feels physical. And how have i escaped from painful feelings for the past 20 years? I eat and eat and eat. As a result of these recent events, I'm not bingeing, but my craving for sugar has reached new heights. I don't know why i continue to believe that sugar can make everything better, but goddess knows i keep reaching for it.

My will to work out continues to wane, but i'm still dragging myself through the motions. Some days are half-hearted, some are as good as ever. My weight has stayed the same, but if i don't knock it off with the sugar it will begin to rise. This i know for sure.

I also feel destined to be one of the 95% (or whatever the *actual* statistic is) of people who don't stay on a diet long enough to get to their goal weight. I'm trying to remain optimistic, i just see my resolve waning. I've been on this plan for two years now. I've lost 60 pounds, and my health is improved but 270 pounds isn't a healthy weight by anyone's standard. I see others achieving fantastic results (check out http://www.pastaqueen.com/halfofme/index.html WOW!!!), and doing it on a steady timeline. I'm inspired by the evidence that it is possible, and deflated by the fact that i'm a stop/start kind of person. It would be nice if writing about this here could spur me into action and recommittment. Maybe it will, maybe it won't, but i'm not giving up. I know where giving up would lead me- right back into uncontrollable eating and misery. So, i guess i'm just going to accept where i am today and move forward.

Gentle Slope of Indeterminate Trajectory

2006-05-10T06:43:00.000-07:00

I am in trouble.

My foodplan is going well, and i'm still eating more veggies than seems humanly possible, a little fruit, limiting the carbs to small portions of the good stuff, and staying away from the crap i love so well (anything sugar or fat based). I'm also continuing to get to the gym, although for the past two weeks it's only been four weekdays, instead of five. Still seems like enough that a 270 pound woman should be losing weight, right? Well, given that if you are reading this you are 'my kind of people' you know where this is headed...

On average i'm still having one or two "treats" a week. Last week it was an ice cream cone and small order of french fries, this week it was a donut and a handful of jube jubes. Not enough to feel de-railed or happily self-indulgent, but just enough to keep the weight from moving anywhere. I've actually been hovering around 270 since before christmas, so it's really starting to bug me, and by 'bug' i mean frustrate me to the point where i want to give up (i'm not there yet, but i can see it on the horizon).

The exercise has not only reduced in frequency, but i am losing my drive to push myself. I have so much interalized whining going on, i am starting to feel like i am babysitting. Yikes. Instead of doing an intense 45 minutes, i'm doing a 'just get through it' 30 minutes. I'm still weight training twice a week, but it's gotten that i so loathe it, i'm not even doing a proper 30 minutes of cardio first. Today it was a paltry 20 minutes, and if i had given in to the whiny child within, it would have been 10. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm also noticing lots of little aches and pains and creaks, which i also use as justification for not exercising. This morning the internal monologue went something like this:

"See? You're going to start to develop joint problems because you're too fat to be exercising this much. You should have lost more weight by now. Maybe you should go on some kind of protein shake fast or something. Maybe you need to take a break from the gym until you lose some more weight."

That last one's the kicker. It's like saying to myself that i should lose weight before i go on a diet... And there really are solutions to this- one of which being that i could incorporate swimming into the workout week, which won't hurt my joints at all. And if i want to lose weight i don't need to go on a protein shake fast. I need to consider further reducing my carbs and cut out the treats.

It's simple, but it's not easy...you know?

Hungry

2006-04-25T13:01:00.000-07:00

Life has been busy lately, and i have been eating out way too much. Nothing messes with my foodplan like eating out. Yikes. I find it hard to get enough veggies in, unless i order a meal-size salad. But then i get hungry, and feel a little ripped off. Also, i would never buy white flour bread or pasta, but when they serve it up to me in a restaurant, i happily devour it. Have i learned nothing?

I'm staying on track, sort of, by continuing to get to the gym and getting right back on the foodplan when i eat something i feel like i shouldn't, but it's a downhill snowball, i tell you. I eat a piece of celebratory cake for my partner's birthday, and then i want ice cream. The next day i find myself trying to work a chocolate bar into the foodplan. I'm not ready to abstain completely from sugar (as many OAs do) but the fact that i try to keep it reasonable, while still being a self-declared food addict means there's a lot of internalized negotiation. Should i, shouldn't i, how much etc etc etc...It's utterly crazymaking.

I've also noticed that since losing the four pounds i gained in the first couple of months this year, i have this "i've been good and deserve a little reward" attitude going on. That's the attitude that will have me back up over the 300# mark in a heartbeat, if i'm not careful. By way of this post, i'm reminding myself that my priority is three healthy, moderate meals and two optional snack per day. Chocolate donuts cannot be part of the regular foodplan of someone who wants to reach a more healthy body weight. My other key priority is the regulation of a healthy blood sugar level, and that's tough to do while partaking of white flour/sugary foods.

Assumptions

2006-04-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i wonder what the skinny people are thinking....

I've got a work colleague who has been showing up to the gym regularly (4-5 mornings a week) since February. She embarked on a plan she referred to as the "4 week miracle" for the sole purpose of getting more fit for a surfing vacataion. She seems to be at a healthy weight, though she has made comments in the past indicating to me that she'd like to lose some weight (whatever). So, yesterday she said to me, "so are you happy with the results of working out more regulaly?" Um....more regularly than what? I've been regular since before last summer, and certainly long before she started her 4 week miracle. I didn't really say anything and just kind of sat in stunned silence, thinking how unfortunate it was that she said that, knowing i won't feel the same way about her after making such a dumb assumption.

Then last night a friend of my partner came over and subjected us to a lengthy description of her new diet. Though it's not worth detailing here suffice it to say it involves about 800 calories a day and a 20 minute walk. She took pains to explain how anything more strenuous would build muscle (which = bad, in her nutritionist's opinion) which isn't good for weight loss. Huh? Talk about a perverse interpretation of wisdom around exercising. The part that was off-putting, however, was that this friend lectured this at us as if because it was all apparently new information for her, that it would be for us too. It was more than a little offensive to be lectured at by someone who walks and hour and 40 minutes when i am someone who exercises about 6 hours a week, and is careful to significantly elevate my heartrate each time i work out and weight train twice a week.

If i sound a little defensive, it's because I am...

I think the assumption here is clear- if you're fat, it must be because you don't know how to exercise or diet. And people make comments based on this assumption ALL THE TIME. It's bloody infuriating. I've never had a fat friend say to me something like "It's a revolutionary new diet based on reduced consumption of carbs..". More like "Yeah- i'm trying to curb the carbs too, but Mama loves the buttered toast!". When big girls talk to each other, there is a mutal understanding that we know what the latest developments in diet and nutrition are, because we follow this stuff in a way that is practically religious. Skinny people (or less dismissively, people with only a moderate amount of weight to lose) talk to us as if we musn't have a clue, which is why we are like this. In my experience, women who carry a significant amount of extra weight are much more likely to be highly knowledgeable in this area. The skinny girls don't have to be, so they read some article in cosmo and take it as gospel.

I'm sure what bugs me is not just the self-centreness of the approach but also the lack of sensitivity with which some skinny people approach this.

Inching Away From the Plateau

2006-03-27T11:00:00.000-08:00

On the weekend i found myself at the big girl store looking for clothes. I'm reticent to buy clothes these days, because i have lots of loose 3x/size 24 clothes and yet, whenever i go to buy new stuff, the smaller sizes are so embarrasingly small, i feel silly for even bringing them into the fitting room. This place had spring coats on sale, and of course by the time i get there there's a lousy selection of both styles and sizes. I found a nice black business coat with some cool white stiching on the collar, but no there were no 24s left. There was a 22 and i decided to try it on and risk the embarrasment. Lo and behold it fit. I could even do the buttons up, and it didn't "pull at the rear" as my mother would say. Once i was standing in the three way mirror, with this snappy coat on, all buttoned up i didn't want to take it off. It was a size smaller than the size i've been buying for the past 10 years (there was an 8 months blip in there when i steadily decresed to a 20, but then i was up to a 24/26 within another 6 months).

With the 22 coat fitting, my courage was buoyed and i even tried on some 2x workout pants, and they looked great. Then i decided to push my luck thinking there would be no way i would be three times lucky, and i tried on a hoodie in a 2x. It fit! Score again. Needless to say i ended up spending $300, because i was just so damn ecstatic to be buying a smaller size. Of course, i also bought 2 t-shirts that were a 3x, but i don't like my t-shirts tight, and they fit in the shoulders, so i didn't feel too bad about that.

It's amazing how excited i can get by little things like dropping a size, but really i'm more excited about what this represents. I have been suffering through a very long plateau that was first caused by my whacked out metabolism, but was then continued because i was depressed that i was doing all the right eating and exercise things and not losing, and i was eating too much crap (high calorie, low nutrition food). I really feel like i was getting to a place where i was going to give up and head back to the old way of eating. I think really the only thing i kept up without fail was the exercise. I stayed pretty regular, 4-5 days a week of cardio, 2 days of weights. This may have just been my saving grace.

There's also the OA (Overeaters Anonymous) element to my foodplan, which i have to acknowledge had *something to do with my sticking to it. Whether i'm eating good food or bad food, i'm only eating three meals a day with two optional snacks (which is my defined abstinence). Having that backstop keeps from spontaneously deciding that i can eat one of those free leftover sandwiches in the boardroom, or stop for a snack because i'm hungry and it's big mac tuesday. I've continued my 2-3 meetings a week, and daily contact with other complusive overeaters who have a desire to stop. I find that support with accountability (in that order) helps me tremendously.

So, i'm not really sure if i'm going to start losing again, but i'm feeling pretty good today. The fact that i know my efforts are helping me get smaller and healthier, even if only the slightest of measurable ways, is enough for me to stay the course. I also know that feeling this good, is leading me to make good choices, which will only help even more. I want this feeling of renewed optimism to last with me as long as possible.

Not Good but Not Bad

2006-03-17T11:39:00.000-08:00

So I got back on the scales this morning and i was 274. This represents about a four pound gain since January. Not bad, but considering i didn't have a kitchen in which to cook healthy food, it could have been much worse. I've seen myself gain more than that in a bad week, so 4 pounds? I'll take it and be grateful. For those who want the 'bigger picture' my starting weight was 338. So, i'm still down 64 pounds. (If i was more clever i'd put my stats in one of those side-bar thingys, but alas, i am not...:)

Beth, over at Act Boldly dot com, has got me thinking about Fat Acceptance, Fat Phobia and my true motivation for being in the healthy weight range. There was absolutely a time in my life when i wanted to be thin, so that i could conform to society's notion of beautiful, and attract a mate. Given that 6 years ago I met the mate of my dreams, that's no longer it. Also, i matured, did a degree in women's studies, and grew to care a lot less about what other people thought of me.

The prime motivator of my current attempt to reduce my weight is the Type 2 diabetes diagnosis i got in September of '04. The thought that i might die earlier than expected, and possibly suffer blindness or amputation along the way is scary. Of course having a doctor say (while actually poking one of my fat rolls) "that is going to shorten your life by 20 years!" was temporarily more de-motivating than motivating. Shame will send me headfirst into food every time.

Another motivation to lose weight is that i can travel more comfortably. I fit in the tight airlines seats (which was tested on a business trip 2 weeks ago), and can fasten the safety belt, but the looks of the passengers who are fearful i might have to sit next to them is difficult. Also, things are so small in Europe and Asia and some of the places i want to go to, and i know that i won't enjoy myself if i am constantly at odds with physical space issues (let alone being treated rudely...thanks i can stay at home and be treated rudely by strangers here for much less).

Then there's exercise, which i've actually learned to enjoy. It only took me a year of practice, but then i'm getting good at doing all kinds of things i am disinclined to do... I think it would be really great if it was a little easier for me to exercise, and i'm finding the more weight i lose, the easier it gets. I don't think it's ever going to be easy, but i know i'd be able to do more yoga poses if i didn't have to bend over my large stomach. Cycling would be easier if each rotation didn't create this chain reaction whereby my legs lift my large aforementioned belly, causing me to shake and bounce embarrasingly as i rev the rpms. My feet might not get as numb on the treadmill and crosstrainer after more than 30 minutes....you get the picture.

Anyway, those are some of *my* reasons for wanting to lose weight. I'm never going to be thin, i'm just not built like that, but i would feel more self-actualized without all of this extra weight. I also know that i came to be obese by feeding my feelings rather than working through what was the real issue. I can trace it back to a couple of traumatic events, and releasing the extra weight, for me, would be like being able to heal or at least move beyond the pain of those events.

I know that getting to that goal will require me to continue to do things that are just not comfortable, like holding myself accountable for my weight, continuing to exercise in an environment where i feel self-conscious, and eating food that is good for me (not necessarily the food i *want*.

To Weigh Or Not To Weigh

2006-03-16T05:38:00.000-08:00

Back in January i decided to 'drop the scale' and stop weighing because it had become too frustrating to be working as hard as i am to eat healthy (with the ultimate aim of reduction) and exercise regularly and not see any downward movement in the scale. I was finding the plateau de-motivating (to say the least) and on friday mornings when i'd jump on that scale only to see it say the same number, i'd find myself thinking well maybe i'll just have a 'free day', in which i stick to my three meals, two snacks foodplan, but not as closely restrict my food choices. Instead of a chicken breast and salad for lunch, it might be a burger and salad for lunch. It certainly took the pressure off, and my exercise routine hasn't wavered one bit. My food, however, had gotten a little messy. I guess that's to be expected when one doesn't have a functional kitchen and is eating about 50% of their meals out, but nonetheless the reno is over and it's time to get back to normal healthy eating. I've been back on the veggie wagon happily for the last two weeks, and for me, while i've cleaned up the foodplan, the weighing/not weighing, and more improtantly the reasons why i'm not weighing, have been bothering me.

There is an accountability that comes with weighing every week, that i am starting to miss. I have been wondering how much weight i've actually gained in the past 6 weeks, while i've been allowing myself higher calorie options. I think i've succeeded in breaking through my plateau, but unfortunately i think the movement in the scale will be upward, not downward. Actually, i'm sure of it, the only question is how much damage have i done?

So, i am going to weigh myself tomorrow and face the music. I will check in here about the results, good, bad or ugly (more accountability = good). I have also been inspired by Nicole over at AFW, who seems to be in a similar place to mine. I relate a lot to the stressful circumstances in her life, and though mine are different I still feel they have been a factor in my not being able to focus on my health recovery plan. I am not looking for excuses here, but i feel like it's not possible to put the focus of one's time and energy in too many different places. In the face of the usual stresses of work, making time for my partner and myself to relax, getting to the gym, and eating healthily while my kitchen was under construction something had to go, and for me, it was the focus on (and ability to prepare) healthy meals. I'm a little nervous, but I also feel good that i'm coming out of hiding on this, which is what it feels like i have been doing.

How Much Is Too Much?

2006-03-14T07:13:00.000-08:00

Since the summer, i've been trying to get to the gym 5 days a week. My gym is a block away from work, and i'm in the routine now of commuting downtown in my workout clothes, working out and then showering and getting ready for work at the gym. Some days are easier than others and there have been rare occasions that i have only made it four times, but mostly i'm consistent.

This is the most committed i have ever been to an exercise program, and the most consistently i have worked out ever. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays i do between 35 and 45 minutes of cardio on the cross-trainer (eliptical thingy). On Tuesdays and Thursdays i do 30 minutes on the bike and then strength training. I think this program in inherently reasonable. I've read in a number of places that really i should be doing 45-60 minutes of cardio, but that is too much for *me*. I do find it hard to go every weekday, but i feel like it's important for me on a number of levels.

First, i have completely shagged up my metabolism with periods of extreme restriction followed by periods of extreme over-eating. As a result, i have a very slow metabolism and it is extremely difficult for me to lose weight, and almost impossible through diet alone.

Secondly, i have the recent-ish diagnosis of diabetes (Type 2). While i feel as healthy/unhealthy as i ever did, i am pretty afraid of some of the consequences for diabetics who don't take care of themselves, particularly amputation. This one scares me enough to get to the gym and rev both my metabolism and more importantly my circulation.

Thirdly, it's easier for me to do something all the time, than sometimes. When i only go a couple of times a week i like the extra sleep i get so much, that usually i end up struggling to get there at all.

What really spurred on the thoughts about this were some thoughts that have been expressed to me lately that i am over-exercising, perhaps even *complusively*. To me, this is almost laughable, because i know what a struggle it has been to get to this place of consistency, and i would love any excuse to stop. Nonetheless, i am still at least 100 pounds overweight and diabetic so really i think i need to be there regularly.

This week i'm going to take thursday off and try to get some activity in on the weekend, and see how that feels. I think what i'm doing still falls well within the sensible range, but i respect the folks who think i may be over-doing it, so i want to at least consider their view. But i am thinking about how much is too much, as it relates to both food and exercise. Too much food is what got me here, and i am optimistic that enough exercise can get me back to healthy.

It Is What It Is

2006-01-30T07:26:00.000-08:00

Well, a lot of time has passed, but instead of deleting this blog i decided to keep writing, but 'come out' about the OA element of my plan for recovery from morbid obesity. I was also a little put off by the fact that no one's reading, but then i remembered that i'm doing this for me (at least i should be...).

Anyways, for the past few weeks i've been stuck in self-pity. If i can't lose weight on 1200-1500 calories/day with 45 minutes of exercise 5x/week then forget it. I give up. I'm grateful that that didn't mean a complete abandonment of my food plan and exercise regime, but the meals did get bigger, less healthy and the gym dropped from 5 days, to 4 to 2 last week. And i realized that i didn't feel better, i just felt less hopeful, less healthy and more guilty. I've come too far to throw in the towel now, so i need to find a way to just stay more spiritually centered. What the goddess wants for me, is much better than i am willing to settle for myself. So today, I re-committ. No more excuses about how hard it is for me to lose weight, or how stressful a home renovation is. As a breast-cancer survivor said to me (although she was talking about what to do in the face of a diagnosis of a serious disease) "sometimes you gotta just put your 'big girl' panties on and suck it up!". So that's what i'm going to do. The actions i am going to take to reflect this are as follows:

1. No more self-pity. It will lead me back to the binge without fail. (that's the one thing i never need to find motivation for, it always just finds me...).
2. Curb the complaining. about the reno, the stress, the diabetes, the PCOS....it is what it is. Acceptance is the answer.
3. Drop the scale. I am ceasing weekly weigh-ins until further notice. The plateau has been de-motivating, and is driving me to un-healthier choices. As a result, i'm just going to work on making healthier choices and sticking to my plan every day.

That's it for now. We'll see how it goes, but i feel better already.

Professional Help

2006-01-18T08:06:00.000-08:00

I was talking with a friend yesterday about those online metabolic calculators, and said that according to those i was well under the required amount to lose weight, but i wasn't. And she pointed out the obvious - those things are for the average person, and my metabolism and dietary requirements are anything but average. I have both diabetes and PCOS, both conditions that mess considerably with my body's natural processing and functioning of food, particularly sugar and carbohydrates. I can be mad about this, and resentful and none of it changes the fact that i have to deal with it. My friend's advice was that i should talk to my doctor, to get a "professional opinion."

So, this morning i did that. We talked about my food plan and exercise and about the weight i've managed to lose so far. He seemed to think it was great that i was losing slowly, through big lifestyle changes. I said to him that though i considered them to be lifestyle changes (read: long term), i found it exhausting and that i was losing my motivation. That's when the emotion started coming up. Talking about weight issues is always emotional for me (and others, i know) but i get embarrassed when i break down in front of him. It wasn't really a breakdown, but exactly one tear managed to escape from each eye, which didn't thrill me.

His advice was along the lines of 'keep doing what you're doing', 'you're doing all the right things', as well as he added what i suspect were intended to be morale-boosting remarks (You're really doing well. I think you should be proud of yourself). It's kinda what i was predicting. I was hoping he'd say he had some kind of magic solution, even though i know those don't exist. He did offer me Meridia, apparently some kind of appetite suppresant, but i turned it down. After a decade as an obese woman, i know that no appetite suppresant in the world will prevent me from eating, whether i'm hungry or feeding a feeling.

Then asked him why he'd never recommended gastric by-pass to me, and he said "You have to be morbidly obese to qualify for that." Of course, i am still morbidly obese now at my current weight, but at 338, i was the poster girl for it. I asked if the definition for mobidly obese was 100 pounds overweight, and he said that it was a BMI of 40 or greater. Then he clicks on the BMI calculator on the computer, to find out if i am. I'm smiling knowing that the last time i checked, i was in the severly obese category. His calculation confirmed that, even though he seemed surprised. I told him one of my short term goals was to slim into the "obese" category, but he didn't seem to think that was as funny as i think it is...

It's just so frustrating, and depressing. I feel like i'm doing everything right and yet, the numbers hold firm.

The Bright Side

2006-01-06T06:09:00.000-08:00

The scale today said 269 again. This plateau seems to be in a strong holding pattern (a month now) but considering i just got through the High Holidays for overeaters, i'm counting myself lucky and grateful.

There are also some other random things i'm noticing that make me feel pretty good. My favorite is that the 'normal' sized towels they have at the gym are almost completely wrapping around my circumference- i can tuck it around my chest, but there's about a two inch gap at my hips. I think back to when i joined the Y how the towels seemed utterly tiny, and usually i just wrapped one around my head and maybe put one over my shoulders, 'cuz it was not going to wrap around anything on me... I'm getting there, the trick is not to give up.

I'm also wearing my new size 22 jeans, which have a little stretch to them (thank goddess for lycra!) with a size 24 blazer. The blazer 'just' fit when i bought it (it was supposed to be form fitting...as form fitting as a big girl would want it to be), but sort of pulled apart when i sat down. Now it's loose everywhere and sort of falling off my shoulders and it's not going to be long before it won't look good.

I want to keep reminding myself about the good, non-scale stuff because typically when i start getting frustrated about lack of movement in the numbers, it drives me headfirst into a carb binge. And i want to keep wearing these jeans, so i'm looking for new ways to handle old feelings. Today, it's working for me.

Deja Vu

2006-01-04T06:27:00.000-08:00

One of the things i felt uncomfortable about over the holidays was about my family noticing my weight loss. My mom is thrilled that i've dropped a few sizes, although she doesn't say so. She waits until i leave the room and then tells my partner how good i'm looking. I want her to notice and give me kudos and back pats and 'atta girl's, but it wasn't happening. Then on the 26th, we were at my Aunt and Uncles house for more family fun and i was wearing the size 22 jeans she gave me for christmas as a "goal you can shrink into". She made a big deal about it in front of my cousins and as i could feel the blood rushing to my face in embarrasment, a lightbulb went off.

I'm embarrassed that i'm losing weight.

Sounds weird, but it's absolutely true. I find it humiliating that here i am, 33, making a new attempt at weight loss after trying every year or two to make a new start. It's embarrassing that i'm still at it and even though i used to weigh 338 (although no one in my family believes that is possible) i still weigh 270 pounds. That's a lot of thubby, my friends!

I don't know if this embarrasment will lift as i continue on and prove to them (and to myself) that i can actually get to a normal weight. But there's this nagging fact that i can't get over in my head: The best predictor of future behaviour, is past behaviour. Argh. If that holds true, and if that's what my family's thinking then they can be forgiven a little scepticism...

Nonetheless, lots of things are different this time. I have a workout routine. I have a built in accountability and support network and i have a resolve that it doesn't matter how long it takes, i'm going to continue this fight until i am more thinny than thubby. Mark my words (and remind me of them, if necessary).

Choices and Consequences

2006-01-03T13:21:00.000-08:00

Even though I don’t feel like I fell off of any wagons over Christmas, the “New Year” makes it feel like we’re all climbing back aboard one.

Last week, I was missing the safety of my routine. There’s a real safety around food in the very structured Monday to Friday type life I lead. Every day I get up at 5:45, eat my portable breakfast on the subway, work out for an hour, go to work, get home at 6, prepare (or order) a healthy dinner and think about getting workout stuff and healthy food together for the next day. There’s tv-watching in there most nights, to decompress, and sometimes my partner and I will get energetic and do something, but not very often. When I’m not working I don’t usually go to the gym, preparing a more time intensive breakfast is an option, and generally there more time in which to get bored or participate in an activity which leads me to thinking about food. So, last week I was ‘white knuckling’ over food I craved (but didn’t really want to eat). It was everywhere. I really missed being in my routine, which affords me a certain safety around appropriate eating behaviours which are conducive to weight loss. When I am at work I have conditioned myself to view snacks (other than fruit) as inappropriate and simply not part of my day. It took me a long time to get here, but the reward was worth it. That's one of the big reasons that being at work feels "safe" on the food front.

Because I didn’t work out over the holidays (aside from a long Christmas day walk with the dogs, and lots of home renovation-related exercise) I’m worried that I’m going to be up in weight (I’ll let you know that on Friday, because that’s my weigh day…). I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

The other thing I did differently over the holidays was that we ate out quite a bit more than we normally do. I love eating out, and did so as healthily as possible, but I think part of the attraction is that the food tastes better and there’s no mystery to why that is- restaurants use as much fat/oil/butter as it takes to make food taste good, and when I cook I completely minimize the use of those substances.

I know it’s choices and consequences here- I made the choices, and weight-consistency or weight-gain will be the consequence. I really wish my inner baby would stop whingeing about it in my head though (“but I’ve been so good for so long! It’s not fair!). I will suck it up and keep going because really, are there any other options?

Welcome to Thubby

2006-01-01T19:12:00.000-08:00

I hate that i'm posting this on New Year's Day. It all smacks too much of a "resolution", when the truth of the thing is that i've been resolved to the kinds of issues i want to talk about here for a long time now. I've also wanted to start writing this blog for some time, so i'm happy to actually have had a moment to do so.

And what about me, you ask? I'm 33 and have struggled with my weight since i hit puberty (although as many family stories attest, i have loved to eat and done so with reckless abandon since i was able to reach the countertop). I weighed 165 at 14, and thought i was the fattest pig in the pen. I reached the dreaded 200 at around 17 and 250 when i entered university. Grad school saw me hit 300 and it's been up and down ever since. My highest weight was 338, and currently i'm hovering between 265 and 270.

When folks ask me what i'm doing to lose weight, i don't really have the kind of answer they're looking for. I attend OA, so really i'm trying to be 'abstinent' from bingeing and the chronically damaging eating behaviours i've engaged in for over a decade. I know it's not for everyone, but for me the idea of dieting is in itself completely de-motivating. My eating plan? As healthy as i possibly can, without beating myself up. 3 meals, 2 optional snacks, trying to minimize white carbs and maximize whole grains, fruits and veggies.

I also worked through some pretty big anxiety to join a gym, and have now been a proud member of the YMCA since March '04. I've been active member since May '05. I've always been the biggest person there, though lately i've seen someone i *think* is larger (i have that fat-girl poor self awareness and am not really sure how fat i am or how i measure up- though who's comparing, anyway?). At any rate, i work out between 4-5 times a week doing cardio and strength training.

It feels like it's taking forever to lose weight and i do think i lose more slowly than the average person. I don't think that really matters, but on days when i am feeling de-motivated it comes up. I'm also a type-2 diabetic and live with the guilt that it didn't have to come to this if i had gotten more serious about losing this weight a decade ago. But a lot of shit happened in that last decade, things that made me turn to food for comfort...a pasttime i know i'm not alone in. In the end, the speed with which my body loses weight is beyond my control- i hate that, but it's true. All i can do each day is exercise, eat right and stay committed.

I'm also doing some spiritual work, though nothing structured or through any church or religion (that doesn't work for me; see rebellious reference above). There must be some kind of reason or explanation for why i ate myself into a stupor and up to such a circus-freakishly large weight. I heard someone say once once that there are holes in you soul that no matter how hard you try you can't fix. Maybe that's true, but i hope to at the very least be able to work around those holes instead of trying to fill them up with food.